My Babcia's Babushka: panic/anxiety

Don't be afraid! Everything is just fine. Calm down. Chillax! Whew!
Now that even breathing has been re-established, I can begin.
I would like to apologize for freaking anyone out. I know that I don't write posts this close together, but I was inspired earlier today by a post from Mom Zombie . This post was about sisters & it really brought some feelings to the surface for me.
Usually when I write, it's about things that are going on in my life, but nothing overly personal. Maybe I'm just starting to feel more comfortable about sharing feelings online. In reality, I am a pretty emotional person. Not that I cry at the drop of a hat (like I used to do), but lately I have been crying a little more, being irritable, moody, etc. I don't know if it's peri-menopausal or that summer is ending or something totally different. I have been peri-menopausal, I suppose, for a few years now, I think. I have to make a doctor appointment to get my hormone levels checked. I guess that's what they do to determine peri or full-blown menopause. I have been on the depo-provera shot (birth control) for a long time & I do not get a period since I'm on it. So I have no way of telling with my periods. Also, I have been on medication for anxiety for over 10 years. I am now on Lexapro & it has worked the best for my panic/anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, I have almost ZERO sex drive! Not that I mind but, my poor, dear hubby (ok, I feel a little bad for him...lol) will not leave me alone. Sorry to those who want it more.
Hmm...that was not what I wanted to post about. But, once I started typing, I guess I felt I should give a ~~little~~ bit more of a behind-the-scenes ~~TMI~~ info. So, I might as well share that...drum roll please...I am a recovering alcoholic that on November 21st will be sober 8 years. I had to toot my own horn a little there. I don't give myself a lot of credit most of the time. I'm a very self-conscious person who would rather put herself down than take compliments. And after being in many relationships where I was cheated on, put down or dumped, I still, after almost 17 years of marriage to a good man, have serious trust issues. I say that it's not him that I don't trust, but other people who would drag him down into something, immoral or stupid. But in reality it would be up to him to make the choice, wouldn't it? He has never done anything to really make me mistrust him. I think, hope, pray, that it's my own mind & past that brings these feelings up way too many times.

I have shown my insecurity with him many times over the years & he just gets pissed off most of the time. It's always the "You don't trust me?" thing. And, I say, Yes, I trust him, BUT... Then I hand him the same old excuses. He can't understand why I still can't get rid of these old insecurities when he wouldn't do that to me. In my mind, I feel it can happen. There have been a few instances where he has been a little more than just friendly with others. Not anything that anyone would construe as wrong, except me. Because I know him. I know that it takes him a long time to get comfortable with people. He is not a very warm or open person on the outside if you don't know him. Lately, he is becoming more social, if that's how you want to put it. I don't go to the bar & hang out anymore. He goes to the bars around here. My dad & other guys are usually hanging around. He has always liked to people-watch but lately it seems that he is getting a bit of a roving eye & when I am not around, I fear the worst. I feel like I'm not good enough or ugly & he sees something better. He tells me, "I come home to you". Ok, but when does that stop anyone from doing anything?

I'm really should take my primary doc's advice & see a psychiatrist. She wants me to go so I can get checked on my anxiety meds. She is a doc that does NOT like to prescribe meds if she doesn't have to. I think it would just be a good idea for me to go for me.

I really don't have anyone in my life that I can truly open up & share with. Not since I stopped drinking. I've become more of a stay-at-home person. I'd rather be on my computer, or reading, gardening, at home than out with people. I have 2 sisters but even though we are close, I'm not comfortable talking to them about a lot of things. And if either reads this, (one of them subscribes here but I don't know if she still reads) please don't take it personally. I love you but there are some things that can only be shared with a person not so close to the situation.

WOW! That was NOT the original post I had in mind. I guess the post I read opened more old wounds than I thought. Also, I have been reading a lot more blogs that have been so open & honest. I just felt that maybe I could get this out. Somehow. I know it's going to take a lot to make me a stronger, happier person, but maybe this is a start to helping myself as well.

Thanks to all of you who have read this far. And those who couldn't read it all, I'm sorry. I didn't expect to do this. But, I am glad I did!

And, if any of you, ever need to talk or just say hi if you're having a rotten day, let me know! Misery loves company, right? Just kidding. I am here! Just being me!

Squeezing the tears out of my babushka,

Collette